Thursday, December 29, 2005

You Wonder Why I Enjoyed Living in Moscow?

These mores have long placed men in a privileged position in relationships. So did the Soviet Union's historical legacy of war, repression and alcoholism, which has left Russia, where men live to an average age of about 59, with an acute shortage of males - many of whom are raised and spoiled by single mothers.

"It is our history," said Maksim Stishov, the scriptwriter and a producer of "Balzac Age." "We have completely different relations between men and women. We have fewer men, many fewer men than women. This affects relations of women with each other and with men."


(Link to the full article.)

As a friend recently put it, "Please let me know if you will be in Moscow. As always there are plenty of eligible young women around and a shortage of worthy men." If the climate didn't suck so badly, I'd be back in a heartbeat.

Oh - spare me your wisecracks on my worthiness.

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Another Missed Blogger Tourney and Why I Love Tilt

Two nights in a row this week, between 9:30 and 10pm, I opened up XChat and popped into our IRC channel only to realize that I had missed a blogger tournament. I seem to be getting good at that. In fact, I plan to keep on batting 1.000 for the week when I miss the WWDN Thursday tournament tonight. Hey, batterbatterbatter... swing! batter (and miss.)

With nothing better to do last night, and after reading this week some exploits of bloggers playing 6-max NLHE cash games, I opened up a 6-max $50 NLHE table and placed approximately 1/3 of my bankroll at play. If there's one thing that Rounders was good for, it taught me that I should never put my entire bankroll in play at one time. Instead, I put only a third of it in play, so that when I lose that third due to donkey play (either my own or my opponent's), I can latch myself onto the tilt-a-whirl and still have some spinning left to do. At least an hour's worth.

Only $150 in the account? Yep. I cashed most of it out because I wasn't playing enough poker to justify leaving large sums of money at various online sites. Thing is, for some damn reason, Full Tilt keeps giving me money every month. No idea why. By the way, have you clicked through that link on the top right of my site lately? It doesn't lead to anything as exciting as man on boy porn, but I'd say what lies on the other side of the link is almost as titillating.

*Ahem* Let's see, point to this post.... Oh right. 6-max $50 NLHE and tilt.

Tilt is such an ugly, ugly thing to go through, but a beautiful thing to witness from your tablemates. I imagine it's a bit like childbirth in that regard, but as I've never given or witnessed birth, maybe I'm just smoking crack -- which is a beautiful thing to go through, but an ugly thing to witness in someone else.

One of my opponents last night was clearly ready to tilt. He was constantly getting caught raising the flop with nothing, and when he finally did flop something, his opponent outdrew him. Twice. In one hand. I could almost see the steam escaping from the ears of his virtual avatar.

Hand in question, he has $35 and I have $50. He opens for $2 and it folds to me in the big blind with As8s. There are some people in this crazy poker-playing and poker-blogging world of ours who will tell you that defending with this type of hand is the poker equivalent of ritual seppuku, because the hand is too often dominated by the original raiser. Not only that, but your position stinks, and finding out that you're dominated will cost you lots of money. In the JCatz school of loosey-goosey NLHE cash games (god, how long has it been since JCatz got a reference here?), which I've gotten away from recently but need to further explore, suited aces are just too pretty to throw away for a small raise. And while they can be tricky to play post-flop, well, that's where your l337 (leet, for you non-geekoids) post-flop skillz can be put to best use. Plus, it is incredibly fun to crack a big pair with a crap hand like A3o.

Or at least, that's how to talk yourself into calling with a crap hand. Which I did.

Flop: 4s-5h-7h. This flop is likely to have helped neither of us, although it does give me a gutshot, a backdoor flush and two overcards to draw at. In the JCatz school of loosey-goosey poker, that is a MONSTER draw. Besides, if you see a flop, it is practically sacrilege to throw your hand away before the turn. Therefore, I check, and when my opponent bets only half the pot ($2), I think that I'm practically getting even odds to call and do.

Turn: Ah. Bingo! Not so concerned about the flush. A better question is, does he also have an ace? When the action checks through, I feel pretty good about my hand.

River: Jc. Most likely a meaningless card. Confident that I have the best hand, I bet $5 into the $8 pot. And here's where my man explodes. Tilty McTilterson pushes all-in for $29.

When faced with an all-in when not holding a monster, I always like to take a few seconds to think through my decision, or at least to focus in on my "poker sense" (you know, like Spiderman's "spidey sense") and ask it what to do. The conversation last night went something like this:

Me: What should I do, poker sense?
Poker Sense: Call.
Me: But checking through the turn is consistent with holding a flush.
Poker Sense: Call.
Me: Of course, if he did have the flush, would he push it all in like that? It seems like he wants me to fold.
Poker Sense: Will you just fucking call already?

I called, and my ace was good. He had pocket 9s. I like to think that what my poker sense realized before I did was that "the story of the hand", from pre-flop to river, was inconsistent with him holding a hand that could beat a pair of aces. It's true that he could have raised with a big ace, but then would he have checked the turn? Probably not. Similarly, he might have raised Kh-Qh pre-flop, but then why raise all-in on the river? About the only end for which the story would make any logical consistency is JJ, but even then I can't see him raising all-in with the flush staring him in the face.

Score one for the poker sense, for the tilt-a-whirl and for donkey flop calls. In the chat afterwards, he typed

"nice call"
"on the flop you idiot"


which gave me an extra-special warm feeling inside. Like syrupy, buttery, bacony goodness sliding down my gullet into my belly.

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Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Cards From Iraq

Christmas cards, that is.

I haven't had any email from my brother in quite a while, but I did get a Christmas card from him that sounded fairly upbeat. He hopes to leave Iraq by the end of February and mentioned that he's planning to come to New York in the summer with his wife.

People ask me if I ever worry about him. Consciously, no. My attitude about most things in life is to try not to worry about them if theyre out of my control. There's nothing I can do for my brother's safety or well-being from New York. If he gets involved in a firefight, or if his jeep hits a(nother) roadside bomb, or if some suicide bomber carries out an attack against his convoy, I'll deal with it then. Until that happens, I just try to carry along with my day-to-day life.

My subconscious mind apparently has ideas of its own.

I don't often dream about my brother. When I do, the dreams are always less than pleasant. Nothing gruesome, but the end result is the same. I find it funny how I can compartmentalize those concerns and shove them way below my waking radar, only to have them bob to the surface of slumberland. That does force me to think about those things in "real" life for at least a few moments after waking.

This week, the main thought was the realization that there isn't really "time off" for my brother. Sure, he got two weeks in the middle of his current tour to come home, but other than that he has to be on the ball every day. Is he constantly "on duty" while over there? Of course not. But he has to be ready, willing and able to respond instantaneously. For a whole year.

With stress like that, I wonder what he dreams about?

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Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Fun With Keywords

A glimpse of the degenerates making their way here:

* most beers consumed in an evening - check with StB;

* hands tingling day after ecstasy trip - drink more water next time. But don't just take my word for it:

...body temperature control is therefore an important means in preventing [acute systemic toxicity]. Providing the body with enough fluid is one way in achieving this, however it should be stressed that excessive drinking of water may lower the ionic strength (salt concentration) of the body fluids, cause tissues to swell; a problem for the brains; and can eventually lead to death. ... When very thirsty it is therefore wiser to drink isotonic fluids instead of solely water.

Although raving for hours in a warm environment may aggravate the onset of a hyperthermic condition, it should be noted that MDMA by its pharmacologic action may lead to a rise in body temperature by itself.


* fuck train - well, we've got NO trains right now, so there certainly isn't any fucking happening on any of them;

* train here we go - this better not be a search for that craptacular band that Dawn Summers is so fond of. The former bass player for the band lived next door to the LA ex and her anal-porn-producing sister. He was constantly strung out and generally a flaming asshole;

* pussy eater - hmm, I might regret telling the tale of Ricky the Pussy Eater;

* firm knockers - definitely beginning to regret the tale of Ricky the Pussy Eater;

* dirty sanchez blog - see I'm all for "hobby blogs, but that's just too much.

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Monday, December 19, 2005

Vegas Moments: Final Thoughts

Here we are, a week later, at the end of one of the longest reports I've ever written about any trip. This makes post number five. You probably noticed that only one of them had any "real" poker content in it, which may come as a bit of a curiosity. The natural assumption, if you've never been to one of these gatherings before, is that poker is going to play a central role in the trip. After all, we're all poker bloggers, right?

The thing is, poker is really just a means to an end at these gatherings. It's a way to pass the time together when we need a break from all the carousing, partying, drink-guzzling and junk-confirming that's going on. Many of us don't need Vegas for live poker -- we can get into a live poker game just about any day (or at least weekend) of the year. Riverboat casinos, barge casinos, indian casinos, Atlantic City casinos and California card barns all provide that opportunity.

Going to one of these blogger gatherings and spending all your time playing poker is like ordering the swordfish at a steakhouse. Yeah, you got what you came for, but you missed out on the real deal. If you spend all your time playing cards, you don't get to listen to Daddy talk about how much a blue whale pussy weighs. You don't get to throw back shots of Southern with Al. And you don't get to chain smoke with Iggy while heckling the daughters of drunken cowboys. You can spend any ol' day of the year playing poker, but how often do you get the chance to mock G-Rob's hair?

I should be fair. The competitive poker player in me (and I think, many of us) can't pass a whole four days in a place like Vegas without playing at least a little "real" poker, especially when the tables look like they're swimming with fish. That's like asking Pauly and Grubby not to visit a strip club on a night when strippers are giving lap dances for free. Not gonna happen.

When that competitive drive to fleece the fish raises its head, it's too easy to lose sight of the amazing social interactions going on around us at these events. That's why sometimes we need to just fold the hand, rack up the chips, and get up from the table. This year I told myself I would tune into those interactions more than I did last year. Last year, I breezed in and out of town with barely a word to most other bloggers. Hell, some people didn't even realize that I attended at all! I definitely succeeded in reaching my goal this year, but reading everyone else's trip reports, I still don't think I've struck the perfect balance.

Thankfully, there will be more gatherings in the future to correct this deficiency. I'm sure of it. You all are too amazing for there not to be.

(As a post-script, I will definitely be heading out to LA in February as part vacation, part LA Poker Classic participation. I will be excited to meet up with as many of the LA crew as I can while I'm there. I encourage the rest of you to join me.)

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Saturday, December 17, 2005

Vegas Moments: Odds and Ends

Some things that don't really fit anywhere else but helped make for an amazing four days:

* Playing donkey poker at Excalibur Thursday night until almost 9am Friday morning with Chilly, Marty, Iggy and StB, and then moving to the Sherwood Forest Bar where we hooted at random passers-by and were eventually joined by Joaquin. That game was the only time all trip I saw StB without a beer in his hand, but the reason was excusable: Excalibur management cut him off.

* Running prop bets with Spaceman in the 4/8 game at Mandalay about where people were from. I think the most exciting bet was one where he said the kid was a local, and I said he was from Denver. Turned out he was originally from Denver but now lives in Vegas. (By rule, I lost the bet.)

* The tripping of the AlCantHang, who managed not to drop or spill the two drinks he was carrying, unlike some other people.

* Too Drunk to Call.

* Watching G-Rob get up to pay off his wheel spin prop bet ten times in a row.

* A hug from Otis after a particularly brutal suckout in the NLHE cash game at Excalibur that cost me $300. Silver lining: I got to spin the wheel. Insult to injury: it landed on $20.

* Pai gow with Ephro, Drizz, Heather, Joaquin, Pauly, Grubby, and Jaxia. I really detest Pai Gow, but these people made it fun.

* The blogger wives / girlfriends (Mrs. HDouble, Mrs. Head, Mrs. Speaker, Mrs. Spaceman, and Ms. Glyphic, to name a few): all I can say is "wow". You ladies are amazing. Who knew that so many poker bloggers could have such exceptional wives!

* Ms. Glyphic telling me that when she first met Glyphic, our 2005 Winter Classic champion, she thought he was gay. She followed this story by pleading with Glyphic that we all go to a strip club. He demurred.

I'll finish this up tomorrow with some final thoughts.

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Thursday, December 15, 2005

Vegas Moments: Losing the Sahara Tourney (That I Won)

You won a tournament and lost $350 on craps and pai gow? Good work, TJ!
--Ugarte


WARNING! Real poker content in this post!

Sunday night found my spirits flying high but my Vegas bankroll running on fumes. Between craps, pai gow, donkey poker, bad decisions in NL, and NL suckouts, I was stuck about a grand. Sure, I was having loads of fun -- when you're running prop bets on the color of the wheel spin at Excalibur, or where people at your table are from, or roshambo, or are live-straddling every time you're UTG, how can you not have fun? -- but it really sucks when you see your roll is $1,000 lighter than it was three days ago. The brutality of the last $300 -- having AA cracked by QQ all-in preflop -- put me into a daze. Thankfully, HDouble and Ephro helped pull me out of it when I ran into them playing blackjack in the IP at 5:30am Sunday morning. It was yet another reinforcement, during a weekend full of them, of just how awesome the bloggers as a group really are.

Feeling as refreshed the next day as 3 hours of sleep allow, I donked around at the Mandalay sports book and poker room before moving with everyone to the MGM in the evening. While there, Grubby asked if I wanted to accompany him to a low buy-in NLHE tournament at the Sahara. It seemed like a decent way to try to rebuild the roll for minimal investment. Three of us -- me, Grubby, and Biggestron -- prepared to sprint through the corridors of MGM to NY, NY, where Grubby's car was parked. We picked up SoxLover along the way.

SoxLover very nearly put me on tilt in Grubby's car before we even got to the tournament by constantly needling me about my refusal to enter into action-buying and a last-longer bet the others had proposed. I really snapped at him, literally yelling at him "DO NOT PUT ME ON FUCKING TILT BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT EVEN STARTS!" and threatening to jump out of the car. (Biggestron remarked what a hollow threat that was, so don't start!) A low point for the trip, that explosion was. There was absolutely no reason for me to jump all over SoxLover like that. He realized that I was a bit tense and quickly toned it down, although Biggestron picked right back up with calling me a vagina for not accepting the last-longer bet after I assured him that it was ok to do so. It was at this point that he decided I would "probably win the whole damn thing".

The tournament was a $42 buy-in (T2000), with one $20 rebuy (T1500) during the first hour. All I can say is, "wow". It played like a $5 MTT on Party or Stars. There was absolutely zero fold equity. I caught a few solid hands early and built my 2000 to 3200, but then forgot about the lack of fold equity and tried to bullrush someone with AKs. He had TT and called all the way to the river, taking my entire stack in the process. Oops. Rebuy, Table 12!

I wasted no time rebuilding my rebuy stack, quickly moving to over 2500 when I came in with A2s from the BB, checked the ace-high flop, and got the guy on my left to move in behind me when a second ace hit the turn and I checked it again. Easy call.

Hour 2 found me running a bit desperate. I doubled up with ATo v 99 when an ace spiked on the turn, but then was on the losing end of the same race, this time holding 99 myself, about an orbit later. Blinds were moving quickly at that point, and I found myself with only T4000, blinds 300-600. Push or fold mode, basically. UTG, I found pocket 4s, pushed it all in, and said a prayer.

Action folded around to the small blind, who shrugged and called for his last 1500. Then the BB weighed his options and called for his last 3500, creating two pots: a main pot with 4500, and a side pot with 4000. The dealer returned 500 to me.

"Well, I guess you better flop me a set," I said to her. "Because I sure can't dodge four overs." When my opponents turned their cards over, it wasn't -quite- as bad as that. The SB had A2; the BB had QJ. Only three overs.

I sat up ever so slightly when the flop came K-K-8. A 5 on the turn got my hopes up, thinking that I might just be able to pull out the hand, but then a 5 on the river absolutely crushed me. Two pair on board, both of them higher than my fours. I had been overcoated. My forehead dropped to the table and rested on the worn felt as the dealer read the board and read the hands. She correctly pushed the main pot to the small blind, whose ace gave him kings and fives with an ace kicker. The big blind got up disgustedly and left as the dealer pushed the side pot to me.

"Did you make any money on that hand?" a player at the other end of the table asked. I checked my stack.

"500. God that sucks!"

Play resumed. Two hands later, my brain did a complete double take.

Wait a second. Didn't I LOSE that hand?

I ran through it again. The big blind's queen should have played as kicker on the K-K-8-5-5 board, giving him kings and fives with a queen versus my kings and fives with a four. Christ! The dealer had made a mistake and pushed me the pot! Not only that, but NOBODY at the table caught it, not even me. To make her mistake even more glaring, she had correctly pushed the main pot to the small blind. How in the hell does that happen?

It was far too late to do anything about it, especially since the big blind "busted" on the hand and had left the table. I considered it an incredibly strange turn of luck and concentrated on playing my best, making it to the end of hour two in better shape but still as a smallish stack.

Hour three was when I really began to channel CJ. As if getting a second lease on my tournament life wasn't already luckbox-ish enough, I began to hit some massive suckouts. First, I cracked SoxLover's kings when I moved in behind him with A5o. The truth is, I was in the 1-seat and he was in the 10-seat, and with the dealer in between us, I didn't see him raise to 6,000 from UTG. When I pushed for 7,500, I thought I was first in. Of course, he called, and I doubled when the board came 5-T-J-Q-K. I think this hand got me some action later on, as some at the table visibly snickered when they saw what I had called him with. Better to be lucky than good, I guess!

I managed to build a bit more after that, until a shortish stack moved in from MP. His bet represented about 40% of my stack, and I was holding AT on the button. I didn't like calling, but figured I should take a shot anyway, as the payouts were very top-heavy. Imagine my surprise when the big blind called all-in behind me for less than the bet. The big blind had 88; MP had AQs. "Put a ten out there, would you?" I asked the dealer. He complied by putting one out on the flop and one on the turn, allowing me to knock out both players in the process and build up a sizable stack.

Once we made it to the final table, I drew a great seat, moving two seats to the left of the big stack who had previously been two seats to MY left. She was an adequate, but not great, player, and from my new seat on her left, I just started running over the table. I think I knocked out six of the other ten players at the final table. Poor Obie was one of my victims when he moved in with TT from MP and I woke up with KK on the button.

The hand of the tournament came when we were four-handed, blinds 4k/8k. I was the second chip stack at that time, still lagging slightly behind the woman two seats to my right. The other two players, in between us on either side, had 40k and 70k to our 110k and 120k. In the BB, I found Q8o. It folded to the SB (70k), who limped in. Sometimes I raise here, sometimes I check. This time I checked.

We took a flop of A-4-6, two diamonds. Check, check. The turn was an offsuit 8. He checked again, and I bet 20k.

"Raise," he said. "40 thousand."

Craaaaaaaaaaaap. "Think it through!" I said to myself, and into the tank I went.

The payouts were extremely top-heavy. I don't remember what fourth paid, but third was $450, second was $950, and first was $1900. Playing for chips was clearly the correct play, something SoxLover had reminded me of at the third break. If I folded here, I would be crippled slightly but not in terrible shape. On the other hand, if I went to the river and lost, I'd be in deep trouble. If I went to the river and WON, I'd be in control for sure. Therefore, I knew that this was a "make or break" hand of the tournament.

What about my opponent? Straight off the top, my read was that he was not particuarly tricky. While I could see him limping preflop with an ace, I couldn't see him checking it twice, especially after some more draws materialized on the turn. Same with a set. That left him with either 5-7 for a straight, a strange two pair, or a single pair. Without more information, I wasn't willing to give him credit for the monster straight, narrowing my read down to one pair or a strange two pair. Obviously, I could beat one pair unless he held K-8. Decision time.

"I call", I said, sliding a second stack of 20k out to match the three already on the felt. Call? you ask. My thinking: my opponent will auto-call a raise, and by calling here, I obligate myself to go to showdown. However, if his hand is weak, he may check through the river, in which case I can get a cheap showdown. If he moves in on the river, I auto-call in no worse shape.

The river was a harmless looking 2d, and my opponent moved in for his last 30k. I didn't even think about it. "I call."

"Pair of 8s," he said, flipping over T-8.

"Pair of 8s, better kicker." The massive pot was mine.

The Swedish guy sitting next to me, who had not been involved int the hand, was dumbfounded. "How could you call that? I just don't see how you could call that."

"That's why I'm stacking his chips and you're not," I replied.

Was it a bad play on my part? Maybe. I'm not sure. I stuck with my read and my gut, and they were right. I was willing to take a chance to be crippled in order to have a shot at a big payday. Isn't that what we always tell ourselves? In order to win a tournament, you have to be willing to lose. I had him on either 6s or a weak 8, and I was right. Or maybe just lucky.

Either way, it didn't matter. A short time later, I busted the Swedish guy with AJ, and we were down to heads up. I had a 10:7 chip lead. I thought about proposing some sort of chop, but then realized I could probably outplay my opponent. On the sixth heads-up hand, blinds 5k/10k, she raised to 40k, I reraised all-in holding 99, and she called with 66. My 9s held, and I was $1900 richer and unstuck for the weekend.

Massive props go out to Grubby, Obie and SoxLover, who sweated me all the way through the bitter end. I was constantly popping out of my seat to go get words of encouragement from them or to explain particularly difficult decisions and why I played them the way I did. (77 in the BB facing a raise from the big stack comes to mind.) They were solid troopers to the end, and my only regret is that Grubby and Obie didn't come into IP with me and SoxLover so I could buy them a celebratory drink or three. Next time!

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Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Vegas Moments: Roshambo

[Everyone is adding their bit to the story that follows. Once you've finished reading Part 1 here, you should check out Speaker for Part 2, and then Human Head and AlCantHang for other perspectives on the same event.]

Friday night was mixed game night at the MGM, sponsored by Joaquin. It was also the night that I scheduled dinner with my parents, and as a result I was a bit late getting over to the MGM. By the time I dragged my weary ass into the poker room, the waiting list for the mixed games was 20 people deep. Deciding that I was unlikely to be seated any time soon, I settled into the sports book with Human Head, his beautiful wife, Iggy, Joe Speaker, Daddy, and random other bloggerati.

Immediately, Iggy challenged me to a $10 roshambo match, still smarting from the repeated $5 losses he had sustained at my hand earlier in the day. The only match he was able to win was when I fell behind 1-0, threw rock to tie it up 1-1, threw rock for a push, and threw rock for a third time to his paper. That loss really stunned me.

"How did you know I was going to throw rock three times in a row?" I asked him. He never gave me an answer. [This is some subtle foreshadowing people. Take note.]

I made no such mistakes in the rematch at the MGM, dispatching Iggy in two throws. He paid his $10, declaring that I was some sort of roshambo guru, having lost $30 to me over the course of seven matches. When Mrs. Head challenged me to a $10 match, Iggy thought I was such a lock that he placed a $10 side bet with Speaker that I would win, only to lose again when Mrs. Head beat me 2-0 in three throws. Poor Iggy!

Feeling a bit antsy and deflated after such a solid drubbing, I headed back into the poker room. Seated in one of the 2-4 mixed games was none other than SoxLover. We chatted for a few minutes, during which I mentioned that Iggy had stepped up our roshambo matches to $10.

"At this rate," I said, "we'll be playing for $100 a throw by the end of the trip."

[Did you catch it? More foreshadowing!]

SoxLover was pretty intent on his poker and not-so-much interested in listening to me prattle on about roshambo. I continued my dazed wander around the poker room, moving off towards the far side of the room, where the NLHE games were spread. I found Donkeypuncher standing near a $5/$5 NLHE table at which HDouble was seated. He asked what I had been up to since our cab ride earlier in the day.

"Well," I said, "Iggy's into me for $30 playing roshambo."

A guy seated in the two-seat at HDouble's table looked up at me with a twinkle in his eye at the mention of the word 'roshambo'.

"I'll roshambo you for $30," he said.

Uhhhh, huh? Did some random dude just offer to roshambo me for $30?

I took a long look at him. He was pretty well-groomed, dressed in a crisp dark blue shirt that immediately suggested he had way more style than me (not hard). Something about him seemed mildly familiar, but I was sure I had never met him. Frankly, the idea of roshambo'ing a total stranger for $30 wasn't at all appealing to me. Blogger? Most definitely. Stranger? No thanks. Especially one who seemed far too eager to do it.

"That's ok," I said. "Thanks anyway." The stranger was not so easily dissuaded.

"I'll give you odds. $35 to your $30."

Bleh, persistent little bugger. I pondered the best way of getting rid of him, choosing to politely decline him for a second time.

"You won't take 35 to 30 odds?" he asked, a bit flabbergasted. "Wow. I don't even know you, and I'm embarassed for you."

Damn. Who in the hell did this guy think he was? I knew it was in my best interest to ignore what was an obvious attempt to tilt me into roshambo'ing some random stranger (who was turning out to be exceedingly annoying) for $30, but before I could turn back to my conversation with Donkeypuncher, the stranger stood up.

God, was he tall! Certainly not a "little" bugger at all.

"I need a softer target," he muttered. Spotting Wil across the room, he shouted his challenge. "Roshambo? I'll give you $110 to your $100."

Wil stood up and shouted back, "Not a chance. I know when I'm beat."

Disgruntled, the stranger slouched back into his seat and turned his attention back to his card game. I found the whole exchange rather peculiar, but chalked it up to Vegas. Donkeypuncher and I headed into the sports book for a drink, meeting back up with a gaggle of people who were getting wasted there, including one Dr. Pauly.

"Phil Gordon just offered to roshambo F-Train," Donkeypuncher said to the group as we arrived. "But F-Train turned him down."

Phil... Gordon...? Really? Is that who that was?

Pauly looked at me like I was nuts. "You turned down a roshambo challenge from Phil Gordon?"

Quick, think of something witty to say.

"He would have owned me. He's Phil Gordon!"

Smoooooooooooth.

"Yeah, but think of the story you would have had!"

Busted.

...and for the rest of this story, the exciting part of the story, the well-written part of the story, the part of the story where all the foreshadowing comes home to roost, check out Joe Speaker's site.

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Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Vegas Moments: Ricky the Pussy Eater

These bitches had really firm knockers.
--Ricky the Pussy Eater


There's no way any recap can accurately capture the insanity and jolity that was my trip to Las Vegas for the Winter Classic II. Rather than post a blow-by-blow, or any type of chronological recap of the trip, I thought I'd just pick some of the more interesting moments to write about over the next few days, starting with a cab ride from the Orleans to IP that I shared with Joaquin, Donkeypuncher, Drizz, and Performify. It was a sort of reverse "Taxicab Confessions" that began innocently enough. Our driver, Ricky, asked where we were from.

"There's a whole bunch of us," Donkeypuncher said. "We're from all over the place."

"Hey man, where are you from?" Joaquin asked.

"Mexico," Ricky answered. That was immediately followed by a smooth, rapid stream of Spanish from Joaquin. Ricky sputtered that his Spanish sucked and that he didn't want to offend the rest of us by speaking a language we couldn't understand. Joaquin told him not to worry about it, that we were a bunch of "putos" anyway, and happily struck up a conversation about the soccer team of the driver's hometown, ignoring my instruction to "besa mi culo".

Donkeypuncher, not one to miss an opportunity to spin a web of bullshit (damn shifty asians), shifted the conversation away from central Mexican soccer teams. "We're in town to celebrate. One of our friends is joining the priesthood!"

"Yeah, it's this guy back here." Joaquin jerked a thumb in the direction of a very surprised Drizz, seated in the back to my left. I made a joke about getting Drizz a hooker in the cab. The exact words are lost to me, but it included a reference to Bang Bus (NSFW, but I'm sure you can imagine what it is). That opened the floodgates for Ricky, our driver.

"I've seen some shit here. This one time, I saw this bitch making these weird motions in a car ahead of me, but I couldn't see what she was doing. I pulled along side her car, and this bitch was getting fingered!" He took his right hand off the wheel and made the appropriate two-finger hand gesture to visually describe what he had witnessed, as if the five thirty-something year old men in the car couldn't visualize it for themselves. (Donkeypuncher has pointed out to me that one of us was about to join the priesthood, so I suppose a visual reference was not entirely out of line.)

"I had some girls in the cab with me, and while I was watching, I showed it to them. They thought it was really gross."

Ricky's tales didn't end there, though. As we laughed at his outlandishness, he proceeded to tell the story of two black women who were drunk and didn't have enough money for cab fare. They offered him flashes of their "knockers" if he'd take them back to their hotel. He collected his fare before reaching the hotel by pulling to the side of the road, where the "bitches" showed him their "knockers". He asked if he could "feel them" and "suck on them". Of course, because Ricky is such a stud, they agreed.

"These bitches had really firm knockers." At this point, I was physically biting my tongue in an effort to try to keep from busting a gut.

Why stop at their knockers? Next Ricky asked if he could "suck their pussies". The "bitches" asked him if he was any good at it. Remember, Ricky is a massive stud. Of course he's good at it! They agreed, and one at a time he "fingered them and sucked on their pussies".

"The pussies of these bitches tasted like fresh oysters," he said. "It was so good, but after a while I smelled like sushi, you know?" Ricky, it seemed, was afraid the "smell of sushi" would alert his girlfriend to the fact that he'd been collecting more than just money during his shift. But really, what's a few STDs between significant others?

"Dude, you went home to your girlfriend after that?" I asked. That's me -- the voice of reason and morality even while we're all in the midst of a gigantic pack of lies and knee deep in bullshit.

"Yeah man. Why not?"

"I hope you didn’t wash your hands and gave her a dirty sanchez. This all isn’t worth it unless you did," said Donkeypuncher. Sadly, the concept of a "dirty sanchez" was lost on Stud Ricky.

Ricky concluded our ride by telling us how he could get us girls any time we wanted, and that if we were interested in going to any clubs, all we had to do was give him a call. He made Joaquin take his phone number, telling Joaquin to enter his name as "Ricky. Ricky the Pussy Eater."

"Yeah man. We'll be sure to give you a call. By the way, I call bullshit on your stories."

As Ricky pulled away from the IP after letting us out, we all looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"That's getting written up," Drizz said.

"Oh yes," I agreed.

--

Random aside: anyone else suffer any sleep paralysis since returning from Vegas? I just had my first episode in over two years during a post-work nap on the couch with the cat on my chest. There was a brief moment where I thought this might be the end (extreme fear / fear of death is common with episodes of sleep paralysis), and I'd be the subject of a cat-eats-owners-face post on Clareified. Yes, on my potential deathbed, all I can do is think about the fact that one of my friends might wind up mocking me on her site. She'd do it, too. She's evil that way.

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Monday, December 12, 2005

Vegas by the Numbers

A quick look at some of the numbers making up my world the last four days:

Total hours spent in Vegas: 87
Total hours spent sleeping in Vegas: 9
Longest stretch without sleep: 46 HOURS
Total hours that my "Mormon phase" (no caffeine, no alcohol) lasted after I arrived in Vegas: 10
Donuts consumed at IP poker room: 3
Proper meals consumed, entire trip: 3
Shots of SoCo consumed, entire trip: 3
Beers consumed, entire trip: DOZENS
Low-limit players that I saw put on tilt by bloggers: TOO MANY TO COUNT
Number of times the phrase "Lewey! Lewey! Lewey! Oy! Oy! Oy!" was shouted: 6
Amount of money I took from Iggy in roshambo: $30
Number of bloggers Phil Gordon offered to roshambo: 3
Frequency with which the Hammer was dropped by a blogger: EVERY TIME IT WAS DEALT

Apart from being stuck for most of the trip, this was one of the most fun trips I've had in a long, long time. Much more to tell once I've had some proper sleep.

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Sunday, December 04, 2005

Last Longer Bets and Borgata With -EV

First of all, here's notice that I accept all the last longer bets for the Six Gun Shootout that were left in my comments. So that's:

Drizztdj - CJ - $10
Ugarte - Spaceman - $10
Joaquin - Spaceman - $10
Daddy - Bigge - $10

What a week! I literally haven't been home at all (except to sleep) since Tuesday. I capped at all with a trip to the Borgata with "Dawn Summers" and Alceste, where we met up with -EV. DoubleAs was also in town, playing in the $1080 WSOPC event at Showboat. As we were at Borgata, I was continually texting back and forth with DoubleAs to get status updates on his progress:

"Def. up for dinner but still in at the moment. I'll get back to you in 2 hrs or less"
"Still in. will be another cpl hours"
"nearing bubble"
"in the money"


I got DoubleAs on the phone later and learned that he went out in 19th. Congratulations on an excellent showing!

While all of that was going on, -EV and I were seated at nearby 10/20 tables at the Borgata. If you've never tried the 10/20 game at the Borgata, you absolutely must. It is a crazy action game, with most flops being taken anywhere from 4-handed to 7-handed, often for multiple bets. If you can weather the swings, it is a potential gold mine. I finished up only $250, but I was a few river beats away from that $250 being closer to $750.

Early on, the game was very good, with several donators at the table. The first hand I took to a flop was, suitably, 72o. I open-raised from MP. One player in LP called before the SB made it 3-bets. We both called. The flop came K-x-2 and the SB bet. I raised, of course. One player folded, but the SB called. The turn was another king. Check, bet, call. The river was a blank; check, bet, call. I showed my pair of deuces. The small blind looked at the board, looked at his cards, nodded, and then mucked AJ face up. This same guy, and his friend, were often willing to call down the river with as little as king-high. Unbluffable, but very profitable.

He got me back later by slowplaying aces, letting me catch a set on the turn (we got into a raising war where I put in the fifth bet, as we were heads up and I had the second nuts) and then sucking out a wheel on the river. That was the first of the beats that prevented me from ever really working my stack up. It also started a stretch of two hours were the cards went very cold for me.

In the meantime, I was sure Rod Serling was going to jump out from underneath a table. Our dealer flopped a flush on three consecutive hands, 1 each in clubs, diamonds and hearts. During that span, -8- consecutive hands were won by flushes. It was like playing in a 2/4 bad beat jackpot game on Party Poker. The drawing odds were always guaranteed to be there, so people were playing any two suited. That especially sucked when I caught AA in the SB. 5 people limped in. I made it 2 bets. The big blind, a tight player, made it 3 bets. ALL 5 PEOPLE CALLED TWO COLD, and I pretty much resigned myself to my fate that my aces were about to be cracked. I capped it for shits and giggles. Everyone called. The flop came Jc-7h-4c. I bet, hoping the BB would raise me, but he just called. EVERYONE ELSE CALLED. The turn was a small heart. I bet. EVERYONE ELSE CALLED. The river was a heart, and I threw my hands up in disgust and checked. It checked around to this smarmy dude in a gray turtleneck, who bet $20. I made a crying call, only to be check-raised by an old dude UTG. Smarmy called, I folded. They showed their cards. Old guy: Jh 8h. Smarmy: 4h 7h. I'm sure someone was drawing clubs as well, so basically the only way my aces were going to hold was if I managed to dodge over half the deck on the river.

Of course, it worked in my favor as well. A hand where I held KhTh on the button was especially profitable when I turned a flush and two other people turned smaller flushes in the same suit. It's just that the swings were wild. One guy had over $1500 in chips in front of him after buying in for $500. He was a good player, and he also caught an incredible rush. With each pot being anywhere from $200-$350, if you caught a couple in a row you were golden. One pot that I regret not playing was with pocket deuces in MP. It was two bets to me, and I folded, not liking calling two cold with such a marginal hand and not many people in the hand. To my dismay, EVERYONE behind me called, more than justifying taking a flop with deuces. Easy to get away from, after all. Flop set = take it to the river, otherwise fold flop.

The flop was 5s-3s-2s, and the turn was the 5d. There was crazy action on all streets, and the pot was easily over $500. A guy who flopped a flush with Qs7s won the hand, beating out an A4 straight and trip 5s.

In the end, I bought in for $500 and swung at various points between $800 and $150, finishing at $750. I then sat down at 1/2 NL with -EV and lost all of my profit to one of his friends in about 10 minutes, first when his friend caught up to my TT by calling all the way to the river with 46o and catching a straight, and then when I flopped top two heads up and ran into his set. In a way, it was brutal. I spent at least 6 hours in the 10/20 game, fighting through the swings to finish up $250, only to lose it all in two hands at NL.

After a break to clear my head and get some food, I went back to a different 1/2 NL table and proceed to lose $500 by having top two run into another set, having a straight outdrawn by a full house, and then trying to make a move with a two-overcard flush draw and running into a flopped straight. The flush draw didn't get there, and I decided that enough was enough.

I told -EV that he's my horse for the Six Gun Shootout. Let's hope he can win me back $40 of all that money.

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