Meme You, Ugarte

Too much to write about, not enough time in my lunch hour. I guess I'll have to pick just one thing for now. Ugarte (aka "Lil Buddy") is making me do some sort of a meme. I believe the assignment is to "name five things that people with whom I generally associate think are really cool, but that leave me cold".

1) Fondue - Every so often I get invitations to "fondue nights", whether they be at someone's home or a restaurant. A flurry of email responses follow, discussing how great fondue is, how much the respondent loves fondue, and how the respondent will be sure to be there (wherever "there" is) with bells on. None of those responses come from me, however. I usually respond how I would rather spend 14 hours locked in a broom closet with a flatulent, chain-smoking marmoset than get anywhere near the stench of a bubbling fondue pot.

2) Strip clubs - I'm probably going to take a bit of heat for this selection. I mean, I like T&A, don't get me wrong. I like T&A quite a bit. What I don't like are glitter, vanilla-scented anything, and blue balls. Especially when the approximate cost of those three items is the equivalent of a round-trip plane ticket to Los Angeles (not to mention the usual lost prospect of an evening of intelligent conversation). Now, maybe I'm jaded because (wait for it, Ferrari...) I dated a stripper for a year and got to see clubs from the other side, but that doesn't change the fact that $200 is a steep chunk of cash to pay for sexual frustration. I can get that for free by watching late-night cable at home.

3) Text messages - I swear by quite a few of the technological marvels that the Information Age has given us: email, IM, and mobile phones. I think being in touch with people, especially friends, especially close friends, is generally A Good Thing. That's why I feel that, if the phone is already IN YOUR HANDS, that maybe you should just punch in the number of that friend you were just about to text and CALL him/her. I mean, it's less keystrokes, right? And the being-in-touch-ness is more direct and ultimately more satisfying, even if the call is just about directions to a nearby restaurant for smelly fondue.

4) Rounders - Many, many of my friends are poker players. Most of them can probably quote Rounders start to finish. Many of them probably own the Special Edition DVD with Phil "the Brat" Hellmuth and Johnny "Fuckin'" Chan's commentary. I think this movie is one of the worst piles of dog crap released in the last ten years (Mission to Mars notwithstanding). Yes, they "got the poker right". Whoopty freaking doo. Too bad they didn't bother to get the acting, writing or directing right. The same guy who wrote this movie was responsible for "TILT" on ESPN, and we saw how long that lasted, right?

I won't go so far as to call Rounder the Worst. Movie. Ever., but it's pretty bad, and I've never understood why so many poker players pop a chub over it.

5) Respecto Montalban - Several of these guys are funny individuals, and I personally like all of them, but I have never seen them have a "good" show. Yet for some reason, the entire theater community treats them like the second coming of Del Close. You want to watch some really great teams? Try catching Baby Wants Candy or WeirDass at this year's Del Close Marathon.

I'm going to be kind and put this meme out to pasture by not passing it on to anyone else. Consider yourselves fortunate, people-that-I-might-have-passed-this-on-to.